Have you ever felt as if your life is purposeless?  You don’t feel like doing anything or seeing anyone, let alone talking. There’s not much value to share anyhow. You know you should try to focus on something other than yourself but you don’t have any desire to do so.

I have no grounds for feeling empty. I am comfortable in practically every way and have every reason to be grateful, peaceful, and content! Which, unfortunately, I am not.

Isn’t it strange how sometimes when we are feeling this way, we come across someone we admire who feels something similar and we no longer feel so isolated and alone?

I have just been reading about a Jesuit priest, Mark E. Thibodeaux, SJ, who felt guilty about his privileged existence.  He writes:

I was troubled by a notion that I should be ministering to the destitute out in the missions somewhere. I say ‘troubled’ because it was not so much a great desire as much as a feeling of guilt for all the things, I had in life …. I also felt guilty for ‘wasting’ my precious young priesthood on the wealthy rather than on the poor.

It was only after a four-month stint in the Uganda bush that he came to accept his own calling back home in America, through a most enlightening and meaningful friendship with young 20-year-old, Azay. Azay had been taken away from his family at the age of 9 and forced to work and fight in the Sudanese rebel army or face certain death for his entire family. After escaping from the army in his early teens, he spent years moving through many hostile countries and situations as a refugee, eventually building a little mud hut there in Uganda where they met.

The significant point came when God spoke to him about the contrast and need between Azay who was always happy, well-adjusted and active in his community, while one of his students back home who thought he was blessed with most things anyone could want, was deeply disturbed and had been admitted to a treatment centre. God said to him – Mark, which of these two young men needs a priest more? Which is more impoverished?

Mark says that gradually he, with grace, was able to let go of the guilt that had distracted him from giving his all to the students back home.

I find it awesome when someone I admire and know is respected and regarded by many, can put into words what I am feeling with such honesty. It helps me to be less afraid and open to some fresh air of grace and hope. I don’t feel so lonely and blocked.  I don’t see it as an excuse to sit back and do nothing, but more as the chance to deal with my feelings, which in this instance was my guilt of living comfortably while others suffer so terribly, and having difficulty in letting go of what may hinder me in being more effective where I am at this moment.

In the book which I am referring to – God’s Voice Within, Mark E. Thibodeaux, SJ, says – that God has a particular calling for each person; we are not called to do every holy action that comes to mind or to respond to every good opportunity.

And it is good to remember that whether it is a farthing the poor widow gives to her community or the wonderful gift of a wealthy person, or the words from a book, a lecturer, a priest, or a child – or a meal, a prayer, a job well done, a phone call, or a visit if we do it to give another happiness and relief, without thought of return, we are indeed involved in holy, worthwhile living.

My problem with feeling otherwise, is I think, because I don’t seem to be getting any better as a loving, kind, and unselfish person. This feeling sabotages my attempts to get up and try again. It also undermines my writing.

Maybe God would say to me: Jeanette, do you have to be perfect before you can share and communicate with others, before you can be used by me? Like Mark, you are getting in touch with your humanity. Sharing that – the good, the bad, and the ugly – may be just what someone else needs to hear to help them on their way.

Each of us is different, with different problems, struggles, abilities, personalities, missions, experiences, etc., and we need to trust that God is able to work with us, in us, and through us – whoever we are, wherever we are, whatever our circumstances are, whether we are young or old, struggling or victorious. To wait until we are worthy before we share our stories with one another, will be too late.