Jeanette

 In my journey through life I have wondered how it was possible for a loving God to only introduce Jesus into the world after generations of people had lived and died without any knowledge of him. We do “know” that there were many people of God who before Jesus’ time, did encounter God but seemingly less continuously than Jesus did.

Richard Rohr in his book Immortal Diamond poses a statement I found helpful in this regard. How were people to know what to look for or how to find it, if they didn’t know it was there or available? Jesus through his living showed us a reality we had missed. And that is that it is possible to have a relationship with God because the Christ has always been present in and around us, and it is with this Christ within Jesus that he could communicate with the Father. Jesus came to show us what we should have known if we had more clearly read the signs of God around us, if we had been more alive to the Christ within us.

We read in the Old and the New Testament how the Spirit of God was part of creation – how Christ, the Spirit we so clearly see in Jesus’s life, was a constant presence in our world. Jesus tells us that in essence, we are no different to him – we have the Spirit within us, but are often oblivious of it, blind to it, careless and disdainful of it.

Richard Rohr in Immortal Diamond writes about this Christ within us being the True Self and that part of us which is like a treasure hidden in the field which we need to find. We are the field and Christ is the treasure. As the Scriptures says, “Christ in us the hope of glory – splendour, grandeur, magnificence” (Col 1:27).

If Christ was with God in the beginning and as one they created us in their image – it cannot be that only after Jesus’s earthly life, did the Christ become available within us. From the first person to the last, if there is such a state, God has placed within each one – the True Self, that God part in us, that can identify with God however dimly that may be. Be it Abraham, Ishmael, Isaac, David, the prophets – or the millions of people born before Jesus’ time on earth – and subsequently.

Have you ever wondered how God can be everywhere at the same time? He hears the prayers of everyone, knows the pains, struggles, joys and ways of each one of us! Besides our limited image of God made in our likeness, it is still quite a feat. Unless of course the Christ is within each of us and God is then closer to us than our breaths. Isn’t that brilliant!

But, and there is a but, though even it has changed for me over the years. Like Paul once known as Saul, there is a war going on inside us between our True Self and our egos or False Self as Richard Rohr names that self in us that is vying for headship in our lives. And it is this battle that Jesus showed us how to win. We must piece by piece turn our backs on our egos and choose rather the promptings and life of the Christ within us. Jesus encouraged his disciples to go with him into his death journey, so that like him they could experience life that comes through death. It is no different for us to day. We also have the Holy Spirit to encourage us and in-spire/en-flame us to choose the way of Christ within us.

Richard Rohr writes that there are many, many deaths we need to die before our final physical death. These are the death to the multifaceted ego in our lives. Dying to ‘me first’, ‘I’m more important than the peasant, the labourer, the king or the pope’, ‘I know more than you’, ‘I’m more in touch with truth, have more clout because of my position, my wealth, my intelligence, the colour of my skin or my creed or nationality’. So many things that need to be put to death, so that we begin to live out of God within us, and not out of our egos.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we sat and thought about how we are so akin to one another by Christ within us, rather than to dwell on our differences and our egos? That deepest part of me is no different to your deepest part, or the deepest part of anyone else, or of God him/her/itself! We may look different, have different ways of life, culture, religion, speech, metaphors, terminology in trying to live out and speak about our True Self, but It is no different in its essence. Our egos tell us otherwise, repetitively, and that is why we need to constantly attend to the death of our egos. Our True Self needs to become our first point of reference and expression without the confusion our egos contribute.

It will take a life-time, and maybe more, but there is no other way for us to know life in all its abundance as God has willed it for us and all creation.

We are familiar with the saying: You can’t be sure of anything except change.

The seasons change from Spring to Summer to Autumn to Winter – and next year even they will be different to this year’s seasons. Life is constantly changing and we can’t stop the process. We change from being a baby, to a toddler, to a teenager and eventually to old age and death. We accept these stages, even if only philosophically.

Maybe the term: Living with uncertainty, elicits a bit more emotion, especially in areas where we may feel vulnerable.

When we are on the brink of a new adventure, a new relationship, commencing a new career, setting off into the sunset, although we realize things are going to change, we look forward eagerly to what we believe is going to be exciting and good for us. We could say we are living with uncertainty but with joy and anticipation of good things to come.

However, if we are entering old age without loved ones or insufficient funds to see us through the days and years ahead; if we have had to flee from our homes because of some untenable situation; or from the  country of our birth because our lives are threatened or that of our families; if we have just lost our jobs, or our homes, or a loved-one and the future looks awful, living with uncertainty could be with fear, dread, pain, hopelessness and despair.

We know that change and the unknown is part and parcel of life, yet when we are feeling vulnerable how can we learn to live positively and with hope.

Maybe we are people of habit and like with our preferences for this or that, we only feel comfortable with change and uncertainty when we initiate it or can see the need to live for a while with uncertainty. Maybe when change is forced upon us, when we don’t have a choice, when the change is too different, or it catches us unaware, we find it threatening, uncomfortable and stressful.

Does the discomfort tell us something about our expectations of life, of ourselves and of others and what we believe is the rightness of things, even the fairness of God? Does it tell us something about our intolerance of other ways, faiths, cultures, habits?

Paul in the New Testament says he has learnt to be content with much or with little. His contentment is not affected by what life throws at him as his hope and faith is not in the happenings in his life but in the assurance that God is always with him, working all things out for the good of all involved.

We can be comforted and assured when we choose to believe that God is in charge and is the same yesterday, today and forever towards each one of us. His consistency can afford us a sense of peace and hope in what can often be the turmoil of our lives.

Whilst God does not change, we do need to change. We need to grow and become wiser, kinder and more aware and responsive to God and his call upon our lives in making our earth a place, like unto heaven, to be a part of.

We don’t know what the future holds, but if we choose to believe that each day, come what may, is a gift of life and an opportunity given to us by God whose desires that we become all we are created and equipped to become, then the blocks allowed in our way will be the building blocks we need to ultimately bring us to full maturity and peace with ourselves, our neighbours and with God.

Henri Nouwen in his book Bread for the Journey puts it like this:

Hope is the trust that God will fulfil His promises to us in a way that leads us to true freedom. The optimist speaks about concrete changes in the future. The person of hope lives in the moment, with the knowledge and trust that all of life is in good hands. All the great spiritual leaders in history were people of hope. Abraham, Moses, Ruth, Mary, Jesus, Rumi, Gandhi and Dorothy Day, all lived with a promise in their hearts that guided them towards a future without the need to know exactly what it would look like. Let’s live with hope.

Have you ever felt as if your life is purposeless?  You don’t feel like doing anything or seeing anyone, let alone talking. There’s not much value to share anyhow. You know you should try to focus on something other than yourself but you don’t have any desire to do so.

I have no grounds for feeling empty. I am comfortable in practically every way and have every reason to be grateful, peaceful, and content! Which, unfortunately, I am not.

Isn’t it strange how sometimes when we are feeling this way, we come across someone we admire who feels something similar and we no longer feel so isolated and alone?

I have just been reading about a Jesuit priest, Mark E. Thibodeaux, SJ, who felt guilty about his privileged existence.  He writes:

I was troubled by a notion that I should be ministering to the destitute out in the missions somewhere. I say ‘troubled’ because it was not so much a great desire as much as a feeling of guilt for all the things, I had in life …. I also felt guilty for ‘wasting’ my precious young priesthood on the wealthy rather than on the poor.

It was only after a four-month stint in the Uganda bush that he came to accept his own calling back home in America, through a most enlightening and meaningful friendship with young 20-year-old, Azay. Azay had been taken away from his family at the age of 9 and forced to work and fight in the Sudanese rebel army or face certain death for his entire family. After escaping from the army in his early teens, he spent years moving through many hostile countries and situations as a refugee, eventually building a little mud hut there in Uganda where they met.

The significant point came when God spoke to him about the contrast and need between Azay who was always happy, well-adjusted and active in his community, while one of his students back home who thought he was blessed with most things anyone could want, was deeply disturbed and had been admitted to a treatment centre. God said to him – Mark, which of these two young men needs a priest more? Which is more impoverished?

Mark says that gradually he, with grace, was able to let go of the guilt that had distracted him from giving his all to the students back home.

I find it awesome when someone I admire and know is respected and regarded by many, can put into words what I am feeling with such honesty. It helps me to be less afraid and open to some fresh air of grace and hope. I don’t feel so lonely and blocked.  I don’t see it as an excuse to sit back and do nothing, but more as the chance to deal with my feelings, which in this instance was my guilt of living comfortably while others suffer so terribly, and having difficulty in letting go of what may hinder me in being more effective where I am at this moment.

In the book which I am referring to – God’s Voice Within, Mark E. Thibodeaux, SJ, says – that God has a particular calling for each person; we are not called to do every holy action that comes to mind or to respond to every good opportunity.

And it is good to remember that whether it is a farthing the poor widow gives to her community or the wonderful gift of a wealthy person, or the words from a book, a lecturer, a priest, or a child – or a meal, a prayer, a job well done, a phone call, or a visit if we do it to give another happiness and relief, without thought of return, we are indeed involved in holy, worthwhile living.

My problem with feeling otherwise, is I think, because I don’t seem to be getting any better as a loving, kind, and unselfish person. This feeling sabotages my attempts to get up and try again. It also undermines my writing.

Maybe God would say to me: Jeanette, do you have to be perfect before you can share and communicate with others, before you can be used by me? Like Mark, you are getting in touch with your humanity. Sharing that – the good, the bad, and the ugly – may be just what someone else needs to hear to help them on their way.

Each of us is different, with different problems, struggles, abilities, personalities, missions, experiences, etc., and we need to trust that God is able to work with us, in us, and through us – whoever we are, wherever we are, whatever our circumstances are, whether we are young or old, struggling or victorious. To wait until we are worthy before we share our stories with one another, will be too late.